Hoarding and Family Obligations

Your eye can’t help but focus in on that orange vase your sister-in-law gave for your wedding. The bright color makes it a beacon to anyone who enters the family room. The glass glistens in the sunlight and casts a bright stream of orange across your otherwise neutral-colored living space. You grimace a little at the eyesore, resent your sister-in-law a little for thrusting her décor preferences on you, and feel a little guilty for feeling this way.

This is only one example of how family obligation can result in the keeping of excessive possessions. But there are many more ways that family loyalty, or should I say forced obligation, can snowball into a problematic, cluttered environment.

The Frog Story

Therapists are privileged to walk alongside many families as they deal with death and ensuing grief. Even in these dark seasons, there are humorous moments, just like the story I am about to tell you.

Patti sat across from her therapist as she unpacked the emotions surrounding her mother’s recent death. She spoke about cleaning out her mother’s home and how she and her siblings were being fair about dividing her possessions. “Everyone got the frog collectibles that they gave to mom returned to them,” she said. “Except for the frog toilet seat. No one wanted that,” she smiled.

“Toilet seat in the shape of a frog?” her therapist asked, seeking clarity.

“Yes,” she said with a smile.

Patti went on to explain that her mother had an extensive frog collection that spanned every room of her house. “And the funny part is,” Patti continued, “my mom really didn’t like frogs.”

Patti’s mom had received a frog figurine as a joke twenty years ago. Not knowing if the giver had been serious or if it was meant to be a prank, her mother gushed on and on about how much she loved it. Soon, frog-themed dish towels and salt and pepper shakers started emerging from frog-themed wrapping paper. And over the years she amassed a frog collection that would make even Kermit a little envious.

While this story ends on a positive note, it does illustrate the powerful and potentially toxic role familial obligation can have and how it can contribute to hoarding. Poor Patti’s mom didn’t know how to tell the family that she didn’t even like frogs until she had no more room to store these ceramic (and cloth, plastic, and wooden) amphibians.

Rosie’s Christmas Decorations

Another client, Simon, was dealing with her hoarding issues when she saw her therapist for the first time. After several sessions, she used this story to illustrate her progress.

“I finally tackled that box of my Aunt Rosie’s Christmas decorations,” Simon said victoriously. She had dreaded opening this box because she had been told by an elder aunt that these decorations were of the utmost importance to the family and that she was entrusting her with them.

Simon had been too intimidated to even open the box for fear of disturbing the strategic placement of tape and packing materials. But as we progressed in therapy, Simon grew in confidence and decided to open the box of “precious” items.

Inside the thoroughly taped box, under the mountain of foam and nestled inside the packing peanuts, Simon found a few glass ornaments with paint that was flaking off, a few empty boxes where old ornaments used to live, and a rigid string of lights, that she didn’t dare plug in for fear of fire or electric shock.

But more importantly, what Simon found in that box was clarity. She realized that though those items held great sentimental significance to her aunt, they held no emotional value to her. Simon dug to the bottom of the box and pulled out a small angel figurine that went nicely with her Christmas décor. She offered the rest of the contents of the boxes to her extended family members and when they declined the offer, she simply disposed of these once-coveted items.

Dan’s Ranch

Dan loved to tinker in his barn with all types of projects. He built his grandson a nice go-cart out of wood and the wheels from an old wagon. He owned a big ranch and after he retired, he decided to use his space for woodworking rather than housing animals. Knowing that he had extra space, his children decided to store their excessive personal items in the outbuildings.

“And now they’ve taken over my wood shop,” Dan said exasperated. “I literally have no space to walk, let alone use my tools or make a project.” Dan had found such pleasure in turning raw pieces of wood into furniture and other useful items, but due to his children’s stacks of boxes and unused camping equipment, he no longer had access to his peace-inducing hobby.

Through therapy sessions, Dan was able to recognize that he lacked assertiveness with his kids because he was always afraid that it would damage their relationship. The therapist worked with Dan to create healthy boundaries for the relationship with his adult children and through role-play, practiced how to communicate his needs and these boundaries in a loving and respectful way.

In the end, he and his kids were able to come to an agreement about the stored items and Dan was able to reclaim his space where he continued to make wood beautiful items for his children and grandchildren.

Nikki’s Grandson

Nikki smiled widely as she announced that she was going to be a grandmother for the first time. Her therapist knew what this news meant to her since she had struggled so much with infertility in her own life.

A few weeks later Nikki returned to the therapist’s office. She seemed noticeably irritated and maybe a little sad, so her therapist asked her what was on her mind and heart.

“Joseph’s wife doesn’t want any of the items I had saved for the baby,” Nikki said as a tear streamed down her face. “I begged her to take at least one photo of the baby in the outfit Joseph wore when we took him home for the first time, and she agreed, so at least there’s that,” she smirked.

Nikki had carefully washed and preserved many of her adopted son’s childhood items in hopes that his child would someday use them. For twenty years she had stored these precious items carefully in large plastic totes in her garage. For years she had walked around them to get to the stack of Christmas items that lived on the other side of the stack.

When Joseph and his wife announced their pregnancy, Nikki had excitedly and carefully washed all of her son’s baby clothes and sanitized his favorite toys. She presented these items of significant emotional value to her daughter-in-law who dismissed the idea of using them without much thought or consideration.

Not only had Nikki inconvenienced herself for over two decades by keeping these items but she had assigned disproportionate value to them. Because she fantasized about and glamorized the moment she would share these items of importance with her daughter-in-law, she had created expectations for the interaction. And when those expectations weren’t met, she felt insulted and disappointed.

Nikki came to terms with the fact that her daughter-in-law did not value Joseph’s childhood items in the same way or to the same extent she did. Ultimately, she was able to save a few of his things to use at her house when the baby visited and was able to bless another family in her church with the remaining items.

Honor Your Family and Yourself

While it’s a privilege to be in a family where heritage is valued and souvenirs of the past serve as concrete connections between generations, you must also honor your current life and the immediate family God has given you. When your family memorabilia encroach on your current lifestyle, it’s time to take a critical look at how each item serves or hinders you.

Likewise, feeling obligated to display gifts just because they came from a family member or store items for family members can indicate the need for healthy boundaries and better communication.

Striking a Balance

If you are carrying the burden of excessive clutter, consider talking with a licensed therapist. Your therapist can help you understand how family obligation, guilt, and emotional attachment may contribute to a cluttered home. You may find that these unwanted gifts and “heirlooms” you have acquired could have been given to you out of love or you may see that it is because of your own lack of boundaries.

Your therapist can also guide you as you determine how to respectfully deal with the items of family importance in your life. In addition, you may learn how to have respectful and loving conversations with your family members while still establishing boundaries to help control what items you allow into your home.

The Orange Vase

You carefully remove the orange vase from the fireplace mantle in your neutral-colored family room and carry it into the guest bedroom. You fill it with fresh flowers from the garden, awaiting your sister-in-law’s arrival. You know she will feel honored that you are using her gift in your home, and you’re pleased that you will not have to stare at it every time you walk into your family room.

You sit down on your beige leather sofa and smile at your monochromatic fireplace décor, happy that you were able to find a solution that both honored your family and restored continuity in your home.

For more information about how a therapist can help, contact our office today.