ADHD and Communication: How One Impacts the Other

Almost all friendships and relationships these days are maintained and enriched by digital communication. With our busy lives, we tend to rely on text messaging and video calls to make plans, check in with each other, share news, and spend casual time together when we can’t meet in person. Digital communication fills a gap in almost all modern friendships. This especially affects those with ADHD.

For those with ADHD, though, this aspect of communication can be complicated. Where most people find digital communication to be easy and sometimes even preferable, those with ADHD generally hate it. Their friends and partners will probably attest to this fact. For many, those with ADHD seem to blow hot and cold because they are friendly, focused, and connected in person but silent and seemingly cold in the times between hangouts.

The ADHD Pattern

From the perspective of friends, those with ADHD have a pattern of communication that looks something like this: You spend time together and enjoy yourselves with your ADHD friend, making you feel like you’re the center of their attention and the only person in the room. However, you don’t hear from them in the days and weeks that pass. Text messages don’t receive replies, and phone calls are unanswered; they seem to be ghosting you. What gives?

If you have experienced rejection or abandonment trauma in your life, this kind of unpredictable communication often feels triggering. It’s hard to trust someone who makes you feel seen and heard when you’re face to face, only to disappear completely in the time between. Communication is as much about the words that are spoken as much as the words that go unspoken. Silence speaks volumes, too.

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

One of the harsher realities about ADHD is that it often causes the effect of ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ This means that those with ADHD focus mainly on the moment and who they are with. When it has passed, they move on and focus on new things.

Many of those with ADHD constantly search for stimulation, enjoyment, and challenge, devoting all of their energy and attention to the people they are with and the activities they are doing. If it seems like they aren’t being nostalgic or sentimental, that’s probably because they have simply moved on. It’s not personal, and for most of those with ADHD, it’s not optional; this is simply how their brains work.

The Creeping Guilt

From the perspective of someone with ADHD, digital communication looks something like this: You spend a wonderful time with your friends and loved ones, enjoying every moment. Then, you go home and automatically begin looking for the next stimulating activity.

You see the photos and messages your friends have sent, and they warm your heart. You begin typing out a reply to one friend, only to be distracted by another notification from another friend, which reminds you of a task you have left unfinished. Suddenly, it’s two days later, and that text message is still half-composed, causing you to feel awful for not having replied yet.

Those with ADHD tend to feel enormous guilt and anxiety over unanswered communication. They are not nonchalant, cold-hearted, or uncaring. They care deeply for their friends and often miss them when they haven’t seen them for a while. They just don’t often communicate this to their friends.

The chances are that they have seen the texts and missed calls, and they love and miss you, but they are crippled by so much guilt and anxiety over the lack of communication that they have dropped the ball entirely regarding communication.

How to Get Better at Communicating

The good news is that you can grow in communication. ADHD might make things tricky for you, and your friendships might be affected, but there are a few things you can do to ensure that your communication patterns don’t cause harm.

Neurotypical friends, there are things you can do to make life a little easier for your ADHD loved one, to take some of the guilt off them, and to improve communication between you.

Tips for those with ADHD

Communicate this aspect of yourself with those you care about

Sadly, not everyone takes the time to educate themselves on the aspects of mental health. It shouldn’t be your burden to educate people about ADHD, but you can at least communicate it to your friends and loved ones.

Tell them about how flustered you can become over digital communication and how it’s not personal when you go off-grid. Reassure them in person that they matter, even when you are quiet between in-person meet-ups.

Ask them to take the initiative to call or schedule time with you

It’s not pushy or demanding to make requests of friends, particularly if it means that the lines of communication remain clear and open, with fewer misunderstandings. Some people feel as if they are bothering their friends when they are always the ones to initiate conversation or make plans.

Once your friends understand how communication is different for you, ask them to be the ones to make plans to see each other. Keep in mind that you must do your part to honor the plans!

Be vulnerable with the people who matter

Over time, you will find that certain people understand you better than anyone else. You don’t have to try so hard with these friends, and for some reason, it just feels safe around them. If you know someone like this, keep them close and be open with them. They will understand, and you will find support and encouragement.

Tips for Friends of those with ADHD

Stipulate which messages or phone calls are urgent

It’s frustrating to feel ghosted by a bestie, but there are times when you need to tell them to answer the phone or reply to the message. Not every piece of communication is important, but some are. In these cases, practice telling them that you urgently need to hear back.

Verbally reassure them

Even though things might be silent, and it seems like your ADHD friend is ignoring you, they might be spiraling into guilt and anxiety for having ignored you for so long.

Where you can, give them verbal reassurance that all is well. This will go a long way to easing their overactive minds and keep the communication lines open between you two.

Be open about when you feel hurt or rejected

The truth is that everyone feels sensitive to rejection from time to time. It hurts to be ignored, and some people have triggers as far as ghosting is concerned. Being vulnerable and talking about this with your ADHD friend could be a healing thing to do for both of your sakes.

They can reassure you that they are not ignoring you for any reason other than their disorganized brain, and you can be honest about something troubling for you. It’s a win-win situation.

The Joys of Connection

The more you understand about yourself and your loved ones, the more secure you will feel in your friendships. Everyone gets communication wrong occasionally, whether they have a disorder or not. When a friendship involves people at different ends of a mental health spectrum, it takes a bit of extra work and a willingness to be more vulnerable to make things work.

It’s always better to be open and honest about the things we struggle with in a relationship. That kind of vulnerability doesn’t come naturally to many people, and there may be a lot of awkward moments of misunderstanding before you can be understood by each other. What matters is that you have taken the time to hear your friend out and to speak openly. Communication is a muscle you have to build.

Living with ADHD can be lonely, frustrating, and confusing. If you would like to offload, vent, or learn more about ADHD, a good place to start is by meeting with a counselor. We can help you find the right counselor. Get in touch with us for more information.