Cultivating Healthy Expectations In A Relationship

It’s been said that if you aim for nothing, you’re likely to hit it. If you have no goals, and if you hold no expectations, that might mean that you won’t be disappointed, but it might also mean that what you get won’t be good, either. Having expectations of a given situation can be a dangerous exercise because of the possibility of disappointment and frustration, but without them, it’s also possible to wind up being taken advantage of.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, an expectation is the feeling or belief that something will or should happen. In a relationship, your expectations are typically about the behaviors and attitudes that you believe or feel your partner should have toward you. It’s about how you would want to be treated, and how you want to treat the other person.

Do Relationships Need Expectations?

Whether we like it or not, we come into every situation with some kind of expectation about how we will be, and how we would like others to be toward us. Those expectations may be low, and they may be either healthy or unhealthy, but they are there. Often, one way to know if you had expectations of some kind in a situation is by noticing if you feel disappointed when something happens or fails to happen.

A healthy relationship needs healthy expectations because every relationship carries expectations of some kind. Even a parent-child relationship, in which a parent unconditionally loves their child carries certain expectations. For instance, a parent who loves their child unconditionally can and should expect to be shown respect and kindness by their child.

Having expectations in a relationship helps you set a standard for how you want to be treated in that relationship, as well as letting the other person know what you’re bringing to the table. If the expectation you have is healthy, that can set the stage for a healthy relationship.

Healthy Expectations in a Relationship

You can have all kinds of expectations for your relationship. Some of these may be realistic, but others can be unrealistic or downright unhealthy. For example, one unhealthy expectation is for you to never have conflict in your relationship. Conflict is a part of all healthy relationships with two fully developed people in them. Conflict may be avoided or ignored, but that doesn’t mean there are no issues in the relationship. Instead, conflict is meant to be confronted and dealt with, and it can lead to a greater appreciation for one another.

Healthy expectations can help a relationship thrive. These expectations are largely rooted in a deep understanding and respect for the other person, as well as for yourself and your individuality. We are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), and that means we have an inherent dignity that ought to be recognized. Being made in God’s image also means that we are capable of being responsible and of making moral decisions, which is at the root of accountability.

Some examples of healthy expectations to have in a relationship include the following:

• To be treated with respect and consideration Being treated with respect and consideration for your feelings, values, and ideas ought to be a given in a relationship. This respect and consideration includes respect for differences that may exist between you, including your values, religious beliefs, and political and social outlook.
• To be held accountable All of us have growth areas and things we need to overcome in our lives. You may have a temper, or struggle with saving money, or avoid conflict. In these and other potential issues, you need someone in your life who will speak lovingly and truthfully to hold you accountable. A healthy relationship invites accountability because that is how people grow and remain faithful to what matters to them.
• To be supported One of the benefits of being in a relationship with someone is that you don’t have to do life on your own. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about how two are better than one, as they can help each other up if they fall. Having support makes the journey of life considerably easier, and that support can be with your work, family, goals, and dreams. It can also be supportive when you’re going through mental and emotional health issues, in the form of one’s presence and being part of the treatment team.
• Loyalty and commitment from one’s partner Being in a relationship requires work and one’s presence. A relationship functions when the people in it are willing to put work into it, and that requires loyalty and commitment to one another. It is reasonable and healthy to expect your partner to show up, and to show up ready to put the work in to make the relationship flourish.
• To have healthy conflict As noted earlier, there is no healthy relationship that is free from conflict. When two people get together to attempt something, there will be disagreements, and those disagreements will need to be ironed out. Healthy conflict is when you focus your attention on the issue and work at it creatively and respectfully without resorting to character assassination. Healthy conflict will happen, and it will help you better understand one another as well as what you value.
• Being shown affection and appreciation It can be a cold world out there. Not everyone will understand or appreciate you. One’s partner, however, took on that role voluntarily and because they did appreciate you. One can expect affection and appreciation from them, and over time you can both learn how best to do that. Some people love being shown affection through gifts or little notes. Others would rather have a hug or words of affirmation.
• Being interested in you It’s reasonable and healthy to expect your partner to be interested in you and the things you’re up to. Certainly, they should have an interest in it much more than the average person because that hobby, activity, opinion, thought, or feeling is yours.
• A satisfying sexual connection If you’re in a romantic relationship such as a marriage, having a satisfying sexual connection is a reasonable expectation. This doesn’t mean that you’re having sex at the drop of a hat, but that you have a quality connection that allows for deep intimacy.
• To spend quality time together Our lives are busy, and there are many places to be and things to do. While you may not be able to spend every waking hour with your beloved, being able to spend quality time together to connect and catch up is a reasonable and healthy expectation. It could be having a weekly date, or while doing chores together. The idea is to carve out time to be with each other intentionally.

Cultivating Healthy Expectations and Relationships

Having healthy expectations of yourself and your partner can help in nurturing a flourishing relationship. Some of the ways to help you cultivate healthy expectations which can lead to a healthier relationship include the following:

Talk openly with one another about your expectations

Your partner is not a mind reader, and you cannot expect them to know what you need or expect without you voicing it. Talking about it openly is a first step, as there should be room to negotiate and work out what’s mutually beneficial.

Recognize that your expectations won’t look the same as your partner’s

You’re coming to the relationship with your own set of experiences, issues, boundaries, concerns, and values. Your expectations won’t look the same as someone else’s, and that’s okay. Respect those differences.

Loving your neighbor as yourself

A key principle in any relationship is loving the other person and treating them as you would want to be treated. Love is an act of will more than it is an emotion, and love acts consistently for the good of the other person. Honoring their expectations is one way of loving them well.

Moving toward a deeper appreciation of one another

Any relationship can benefit from deeper mutual appreciation and celebration of one another. Emphasizing what you have in common can help in cementing your bonds.

Show consideration and empathy

The best way to approach one another in any relationship is with due consideration and stepping into the other person’s shoes. This will help you resolve conflict much more quickly.

Avoid comparisons with the relationships of others

Our expectations are shaped by various sources. While it may not be easy, minimizing comparisons with the relationships of others can help you reduce your dissatisfaction and help you hold expectations that are healthy and realistic for your particular situation.

Seek help

You can seek help from a professional to deepen your understanding of each other’s experiences and the values that inform certain expectations. A counselor can also help you achieve a meaningful compromise and develop tools to express your emotions and resolve conflict successfully when you find yourselves at loggerheads.