Romantic relationships are one type of relationship where we get to express the diverse meanings of the word love. With your spouse, you are friends, you are lovers, and you walk together through all the seasons of life.

These relationships will have their moments of beauty, but they will also have bits of ugliness as when the couple is selfish or inconsiderate toward one another.

Couples must contend with changes within themselves and their counterpart, holding firm to their commitment to one another through different seasons of life. Challenges arise, and couples deal with these with varying levels of success.

Every couple has its own story of triumphs and struggles, but they also have unique skills and resources with which to address the struggles they face. Couples counseling is an effective tool that a couple can make use of as they work through challenges and different life seasons.

If a couple decides to pursue couples counseling, it can help them resolve conflict, address the impact of infidelity or emotional distance, and equip them to address future issues that may crop up. However, when they enter into counseling they must do so with a certain mindset.

Counseling only works when people put in the necessary work to improve their relationship. If one is not open to making an effort and doesn’t welcome change and growth, then counseling will not be effective.

Below are some pointers on how to get the most out of Christian couples counseling.

Optimizing your Christian couples counseling experience

Agree to work at it together. When you begin, it may be that only one of you felt the need to go for counseling. That’s okay. But if you both agree to go for counseling, you should both commit to the process. This way, you’ll get the most from your counseling.

You can help yourself by first recognizing that perhaps you need help, and your spouse might be onto something by wanting to go for therapy. Secondly, you can both participate in finding the right counselor for you, as you need the right person to get the most out of counseling.

If you feel like you won’t be heard or understood by your counselor, that undermines the process from the outset. Lastly, when you find a counselor, commit to seeing it through.

Expect it to be hard work. Counseling isn’t easy, and that is for many reasons. For one thing, you will likely bring up areas of pain and past hurts that you may have attempted to bury and forget. For some people, talking about their emotions isn’t easy, while for others having to sit and listen attentively to their spouse may be a difficult experience.

Couples counseling is a lot of work, as it requires the couple to consider one another’s feelings even as they give voice to their concerns and emotions. Your counselor may point out some difficult parts of your relationship to help you discern unhealthy patterns in how you relate to one another, and your counselor will challenge you to adopt new ways of doing things. None of this is easy or comfortable, so expect that you’ll be working hard.

Understand the Christian Perspective. Christian couples counseling, in particular, requires that both spouses try to understand their own and each other’s spirituality and relationship with God. As part of the counseling process, you’ll get input from the Christian worldview, and your counselor will draw upon the best practices of psychotherapy and from sources such as the Bible and Christian theology.

This is one area that can be challenging, because not only might some practices within the relationship get challenged, but deeply held and cherished beliefs may also get scrutinized and questioned, whether or not you’re a Christian. It’s also possible that you and your spouse will have disagreements and miscommunications regarding your relationships with God.

These tough conversations are part of the process, and they are vital for growth within the relationship. Embrace these challenging discussions and put in the work to get through. Additionally, knowing that this form of counseling is grounded in a Christian understanding of human beings and relationships will prepare you for the changes that your counselor may make and urge you toward.

Show respect for each other. It’s hard to hold your tongue when you feel under attack. During your counseling, it may feel like you’re being singled out and attacked, but that is most likely not the case.

It is imperative that in your sessions (and beyond) you show respect for each other even as you disagree. This includes not calling your spouse any degrading names, and not minimizing or dismissing what they’re saying.

Speak up and be heard. Counseling provides you with an opportunity to lay issues out in a safe environment where you are being guided by an individual who’s skilled at navigating complex relationship dynamics. Instead of holding back, express yourself.

Lay out the issues as you see them, and this will allow both your spouse and the counselor to be aware of the problems and your perspective on them. Your spouse may agree or not with your assessment, but having that conversation is fruitful, especially if your counselor helps you navigate the problem.

The issue is the issue, not your spouse. Sometimes, conflict in a relationship can be handled like it’s an adversarial courtroom situation with clear winners and losers. Having a zero-sum game approach to conflict and resolving issues is a recipe for bickering, unfair attacks, and speaking to each other in ways that only leave casualties behind.

Your spouse is not your enemy, even if it might feel that way. In your counseling sessions, you’re not trying to score points or win your counselor over to ‘your side’. The point of counseling is to address the issue and resolve it so that your relationship flourishes. Partnering with your spouse and the counselor to address the issue is the best route forward.

Don’t play the blame game. Hand in hand with focusing on the issue is to avoid playing the blame game. When things go wrong, it is easy to blame one another for what happened. In Genesis 3, this is what our forebears Adam and Eve did, and we’ve followed suit ever since.

Blaming can take the form of pointing the finger at your spouse and their perceived failings, or it can be about being hard on yourself. Counseling isn’t about whose fault it is and why it is their fault, but rather it is about how you as a couple can build a stronger, more considerate, and communicative relationship that puts God at the center.

Be honest with yourself and everyone else in the room. Being honest can be extraordinarily difficult. That is because when we are honest, we are vulnerable. We often avoid it because of the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed for what we’ve shared.

We’re told in the Bible, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” (Ephesians‬

Be honest with your feelings and thoughts, as this is how your spouse gets to know what’s going on in your world. This enables them to move toward you in compassion.‬

Listen well. Part of the hard work that counseling will require of you is that you listen well. Pay close attention to what your spouse is saying or sharing in your sessions, which may require that you set aside any prejudices or quick judgments. It may also mean resisting the impulse to jump in and correct your spouse or complete their sentences for them.

Listening is more than just passively receiving communication; active listening includes using your non-verbal communication like body posture and eye contact to convey the fact that you’re paying attention.

Understand that sensitive subjects will come up. To get the most from your counseling, you should expect that topics will come up that make you feel uncomfortable or even frustrated. Some things from your past may come up in the conversation, but it is important that they get discussed to dig deep and discern past experiences and factors that may be negatively impacting your relationship.

Practice compassion for yourself and your spouse. Conflict has a way of making people defensive. We either flee from conflict or face it head-on. It’s possible to engage in an emotional discussion without devolving into cruelty. This is one of the skills that a counselor can help you acquire.

It may be challenging at times but remember to be considerate of your spouse’s feelings while also remaining compassionate and kind to yourself. But with guidance it is possible.

Pursue counseling.

Christian couples counseling can be difficult, but it is certainly rewarding. Couples counseling benefits all couples regardless of how long they’ve been married or the season they currently find themselves in.

You and your spouse can find support and a safe space in which to grow through Christian couples counseling. Inquire today about couples counseling and begin your journey toward a flourishing relationship.

Photos:
“Chilling”, Courtesy of Jayanth Gillella, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Laughing Couple”, Courtesy of Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Happy Couple”, Courtesy of El Guseinov, Unsplash.com, CC0 License; “Playing in the Surf”, Courtesy of Rahul Moharana, Unsplash.com, CC0 License

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Articles are intended for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice; the content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All opinions expressed by authors and quoted sources are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, publishers or editorial boards of Stone Oak Christian Counseling. This website does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Site. Reliance on any information provided by this website is solely at your own risk.

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