The Dynamics of Codependency

Codependency is a toxic dynamic in a relationship where two people become locked into a giving-and-taking imbalance. This means that one person (the giver) pours their energy, time, and resources into supporting the receiver or “enabler.” The giver needs to be needed, and the enabler needs to be in a position of primary importance in someone else’s life.

There are varying degrees of severity with codependent relationships, but the result is usually two people trapped by each other and descending into bitterness and resentment. Recovery from codependency is possible, and it begins with self-reflection and awareness. Sometimes people need to see where they need help or healing to undo damaging situations, they have gotten themselves and others into.

The giving flaws

The givers in codependent relationships usually begin with people pleasing and pacifying from a young age. They are often highly empathetic people who derive genuine joy from making others happy. However, underlying this generous spirit is often a wound of feeling not good enough, unseen, or unworthy of affection.

By nature, givers do not acknowledge or confront issues. They might be aware of problems with their self-esteem but will default to being the good friend, or the kind stranger to receive compliments, praise, and affection. This behavior might seem pleasant on the outside, but deep down it is subtly manipulative.

What about enablers of codependency?

In some ways, the enabler is the inverse of the giver. They appear more confident, less uncertain, and more obviously controlling. The giver comes to rely on the other person in the codependent relationship for their outspoken opinions, decisiveness, and perceived superiority.

Where the giver’s motive is to people please, the enabler has a motive that is simply to have someone meet their needs. Their self-importance is often rooted in narcissism, and they will seek to control and bend outcomes to their benefit. The giver in the relationship is happy to oblige, and in this way both parties have their innermost desires met, albeit in an unhealthy way.

The overlap

Both givers and enablers have a lot in common. It is these similarities more than the differences that connect them. Both parties have issues with boundaries; the givers are incapable of saying “No” to anyone, least of all the enabler. In turn, the enabler expects access to the giver at all times without exception.

Both tend to be passive-aggressive in their communications, never addressing issues head-on but choosing instead to brood, sulk, and create distance when they want to get their way. Despite their appearances and seeming confidence, enablers often have cripplingly low self-esteem too.

It is in being looked after by the giver that they find their worth. Codependent partners look to each other to pacify, codify, or simplify their lives, rather than facing their issues and trying to find solutions.

There is grace for codependency

Being involved in a codependent relationship shows that something needs healing or correcting. There is no shame in recognizing this, and there is hope for a future filled with healthy relationship dynamics. You will thrive when you are aligned with people who truly want what is best for you, and give space for you to be yourself, however messy that might be.

If you or someone you know is battling codependency, Christian counseling in Carrollton, Texas may help. A counselor in Carrollton, Texas might have insight into your situation. Together you will be able to determine a way to freedom and healing. Contact our office today at Texas Christian Counseling, Carrollton if you would like to meet with a professional counselor in Carrollton, Texas or the neighboring areas.