Understanding and Working On Emotional Distance in Families

A person’s family is foundational in shaping who they are. Sometimes that shaping is positive, but at other times it’s negative. Your family teaches you the importance of certain values, whether through example or omission. None of us chooses our family, but the people who comprise our family make a deep and lifelong impression on us. Emotional distance can negatively impact families.

Each family has its own characteristics, its own intricate dynamic that flows from the combination of the lives of each member. It’s not unheard of for a new member of the family, whether through birth, marriage, or adoption, to shift the trajectory of that family and the way family members relate to one another. Some families are close, enjoying spending time together, while others are fragmented and want nothing to do with one another.

Whatever situation you find yourself in, especially if it’s unhealthy, it’s good to know that the situation is not immutable. With work and intentionality, change can happen, and your family can become the sort of nurturing and welcoming community you would like it to be.

Emotional distance in perspective.

When you consider the human capacity for emotion, it’s enough to leave you speechless. We can be angry, sad, jubilant, curious, confused, disturbed, and many other shades of feeling in between. These feelings find expression in our words, our bodily movements, the tone of our voices, and our facial expressions. Depending on a person’s age and personality, what makes them experience these feelings and how they express these emotions will also differ.

Given this broad range of emotions and understanding that individuals and families have their own personalities, how these emotions find expression, and what one feels comfortable with will vary widely.

Some families are boisterous, show their emotions easily, and are emotionally transparent. Other families are more reserved, which shouldn’t be mistaken for a lack of feeling. As a result, how emotional distance presents itself in families will not look the same in every case.

Emotional distance may look like the following:

• Family members do not feel free to express their emotions.
• Certain emotions being rejected outright or denied room for expression.
• Family members being oblivious to or uninterested in the emotional state of other members.
• No relational context exists to allow for the expression of one’s emotions.
• Certain emotions present a barrier to relationships, such as anger or resentment.

There may be many reasons for emotional distance existing in a family situation, such as feelings of betrayal, grief, the denial of certain feelings or realities, the lack of capacity to handle certain emotions, trauma, or a different outlook on life. To be able to bridge the emotional gap between two people, they both need to understand what’s going on and have the vocabulary and space to talk through the situation they find themselves in.

How emotional distance affects a family.

When there is emotional distance in a family, there can be several kinds of effects on the relationships in that family. For one thing, it makes it difficult for the family to support one another.

If I don’t know what is going on in your life, whether because I am oblivious to it, or because you’ve decided to hide it from me, or because neither of us can discern it and speak meaningfully about it, it means I cannot come alongside you to hear you out and stand with you.

It’s also true that emotional distance gives birth to more distance. If two people don’t understand where the other is, it’s easy for communication to be misunderstood or distorted. What may be meant as a joke can be taken as an insult because there is a preexisting gulf between two people. Emotional distance can give rise to further conflict, and it can damage avenues to reconciliation.

Emotional distance in a family can make the individuals feel unsafe to be authentic. We are complicated, and part of that complexity as being made in God’s image is rooted in our emotions.

If a familial situation makes it difficult to explore all your emotions, or if it’s hard to be vulnerable because certain emotions don’t fit the emotions your family feels comfortable dealing with, you may feel as though you don’t belong, or that you can’t be yourself in your family.

Thus, emotional distance in a family compounds problems, prevents the family from rallying together effectively in mutual support, and makes it difficult to be and feel authentic.

Christian family counseling: Building bridges, restoring hope

Families face many challenges that create distance between family members. These challenges include grief, loss through divorce, sickness, trauma, stress, financial problems, different social and political outlooks, and many other challenges. However, it’s not inevitable to end up with emotional distance between family members.

Cristian family counseling can provide a family with tools to develop empathetic listening, cultivate mutually held values, handle conflict effectively, and repair broken relationships meaningfully. In some cases, what the family needs to work through is forgiveness before overcoming resentment. Christian family counseling can help a family build bridges and move meaningfully toward healing and wholeness.