Coping with Grief: Grieving Loss and Finding Your Way

Grief is a painful reality we all must reckon with. It’s not an easy thing to lose what matters most to you, especially the people in your life, and it’s understandable why many struggle to cope well with grief. Coping with grief doesn’t mean denying the loss or even minimizing it or explaining it away. Coping is about learning to live with the loss, being able to carry on while bearing the wounds of separation from a loved one.

Grief touches every aspect of who we are, and that includes our emotions, thoughts, bodies, and our spiritual lives. Grieving is the natural process of coming to terms with loss, and it is not a sign of weak faith. Jesus wept (John 11:35) at the tomb of His friend Lazarus, a testimony to how much He loved His friend. The sorrow of loss is all too real, but our ultimate hope is in Christ, even in our grief.

Grief as Love with Nowhere to Go

How do you begin to deal with grief and the sense of loss? For some, the only way they can see to deal with it is to see grief as a problem to be solved. In this way of thinking, the loss is something to get over as quickly as possible and return to doing life much the same as before. This can be a way of denying the loss, and it can have negative effects on one’s well-being.

Another way to look at grief is to see it as a way of working through the significant change that has occurred in your relationship with your loved one. Instead of being a problem to solve, grief then becomes a way of working through the loss by evolving the relationship. Your connection to a lost loved one doesn’t end with their physical absence. The relationship continues, but in a different form.

For instance, when you think about your loved one, there are conversations, words of wisdom, encouragements, and more that have passed between you and have shaped your life. Their legacy and memory are a part of who you are. Instead of thinking of the loss as the end, consider how their contribution has shaped you into who you are, and how you’re carrying them with you for the rest of your life.

You can also honor your loved one by living out the values that they cherished. That could take the form of supporting causes they cared about, or pursuing goals that you know would make them proud. These acts of remembrance can be a living tribute to the person you loved.

One of the reasons loss is painful and grief can be overwhelming is that when you share a deep bond with someone, those feelings of connection don’t just go away. Grief is what happens to love when it has nowhere to go, and this painful experience is a testament to the enduring connection you have with your loved one. You may not be able to connect with them in the same way as before, but your love for them can endure beyond losing them.

When Attempts at Coping Go Wrong

The approach outlined above, which is sometimes referred to as the continuing bonds theory, doesn’t mean that you don’t need to heal from the pain of loss, nor does it diminish the pain. It is simply an attempt to transform what could be isolation into a sense of enduring connection. However, while maintaining a deep sense of connection with a loved one can bring healing, it must be rooted in faith and in truth.

A challenge with the continuing bonds approach is that it could result in denial. If the continuing bond leads to a denial or refusal of the reality and finality of death, it can hinder emotional and spiritual healing. Holding onto the bond can be a way of skirting the hard and painful reality of the loss, and that can be harmful in the long run.

Nurturing an ongoing bond with a loved one whom you’ve lost is challenging if the relationship was complicated and if it carried unresolved tensions or conflicts. If, for instance, the relationship was a codependent one or if it was mired in conflict or guilt, then carrying the bond without addressing those feelings may result in deeper pain. Instead of providing comfort, the bond can undermine your well-being.

Hanging onto the bond shared with a loved one can also potentially obstruct new growth. If you hang on to a loved one in an unhealthy way, by denying your loss, for example, it can prevent new relationships or ministry opportunities from blossoming.

Other pitfalls to watch for during grief include hiding from the pain of loss through substance abuse or even refusing to talk about the loss. Some will become absorbed in work or in helping others around them to navigate their grief, without taking the time to deal with the grief they’re feeling.

Healthy Strategies for Coping with Grief

Grief is a natural process that allows us to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Instead of avoiding it or suppressing it, there are other healthy ways of coping with it. Some strategies to cope with grief include the following:

Accept and seek support Grief is an individual journey, and no two experiences of grief will be the same. Having said that, you don’t have to go through grief alone. Scripture reminds us that grief can and should be shared. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15, NIV) In 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, you can see how others can step in to comfort you just as they have been comforted.

Support comes in many forms, such as friends and family who might offer practical help like cooking meals or cleaning the house. When grief feels overwhelming, or you feel like you’re stuck, you can seek and accept professional help in the form of a grief counselor or therapist. They can help you navigate the loss and find ways to cope.

Take care of yourself Grief affects you mentally, emotionally, and physically. It can throw your routines off track, making it even harder to cope. Taking care of yourself can improve your ability to cope. This includes eating regular, nutritious meals and getting regular exercise. This can help you manage your stress levels and elevate your mood.

Caring for yourself also includes sticking to a routine, getting enough rest at night, and taking naps during the day when needed. You can also help yourself by limiting your intake of drugs, alcohol, or nicotine to distract you or numb the pain of loss.

Serve with purpose Your loss can propel you forward into acts of service in ministry toward others. Whether you’re volunteering for a cause your loved one believed in or starting something new that honors them, you can carry their legacy forward in a constructive way.

Another way to carry your loved one’s legacy is to continue doing activities you enjoyed together, if you feel ready for that.

Slow down Grief can be quite disruptive, and it can also result in you wanting to make drastic changes to avoid pain or move on. You may find it hard to stay in the same house you shared with your loved one, for instance. Be patient with yourself, and don’t make drastic changes or make major life decisions in the early phases of grief. Give yourself time to settle, become more stable, and think clearly.

Healing after loss takes time, and it isn’t a straight line with clearly marked signposts. Grief can be a messy journey, but when surrendered to the Lord, it can become a testimony of hope, resilience, and faith in the Lord. If you’re struggling with grief and not coping well with it, reach out and speak to a grief counselor or therapist.