How to Find Support and Healing After Infidelity

Infidelity in a relationship can be a challenge to recover from. A person can be unsure about pursuing forgiveness and restoring the marriage to what it once was. The discovery of infidelity not only feels as though life has imploded, but it can also feel as though the entire marriage has been a farce, making healing after infidelity difficult.

Healing after infidelity begins with the most challenging part: forgiveness. Until a person finds a way to let go of the bitterness, there will be no peace in any of the decisions that are made.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22, ESV

There are many ways to pursue healing after infidelity. This pursuit begins with making an intentional choice to heal regardless of what may seem to be ruined. Just as with any other process, it is important to recognize what the goal is and to get clarity about that goal.

These four important questions may help you take the first step in healing after infidelity.

• Can you forgive your partner?
• Can you become committed and trust your partner again?
• Have you released the anger toward your partner?
• Can you move forward?

After asking yourself these questions, it is time to begin taking steps to heal.

Recovering the Relationship

Each relationship is different and special. It revolves around the people involved, and it is specific to how they relate to each other. This means that recovery after infidelity is different for each couple. While it may look different, there are phases that relationships typically experience as they engage in the healing after infidelity.

The Trauma Phase

Once the infidelity has been brought into the open, there could be feelings of trauma and/or shock. There will typically be feelings of anger, hopelessness, and possibly vengefulness. It is a time of roller-coaster emotions, which may include grief. There are tears integrated with conflict. It is a difficult time to process the thought process of what to do next.

The Examination Phase

As the couple progresses toward healing after infidelity, they will encounter a time when they will examine the why of the affair. Questions about what may have led to the infidelity are asked and processed. They will continue to have emotional ups and downs, but the quicker the couple can process the information, the easier it is to move into healing.

Addressing the Issue

When the couple reaches this phase, it is time to start the hard work of walking into the healing process. It will be a challenging time, but the emotions will be manageable as they experience the twists and turns of facing the issues. This will often lead to a discovery of the underlying issues of feeling discontent in the relationship to begin with.

Now, the couple can move into the areas of healing. These areas may not look the same for each couple. And some couples may reach the end of this phase and realize they cannot mend the relationship. For those who persevere, there are ways to move through healing and restore the relationship.

Gottman Method Phases of Healing After Infidelity

Some couples may choose to use the Gottman method of healing after infidelity. This method was developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. It is a process of intervention that is geared toward resolving conflict within marriages.

Phase 1: Atone

This phase begins with remorse from the partner who committed the infidelity. Without the recognition and acceptance of this part, there is no healing. The unfaithful partner needs to understand the other person’s feelings and accept responsibility without being defensive. There must be an admission of breaking the commitment to the marriage.

Phase 2: Attune

Attunement is the reactiveness with another person that creates a quality of being in tune with each other. The couple will experience this phase when they choose to forgive and become intentional about rebuilding the relationship. They will forgo the blame game and come up with a plan to intentionally handle conflict positively and calmly.

Phase 3: Attach

During the final phase of the Gottman method, the couple will begin to reconnect physically. This will include learning to trust and pursue healing. The victim of the cheating spouse may find this more difficult, but it is a must if the couple is going to experience healing after infidelity. This phase will require that the couple create and implement a plan to rekindle physical intimacy.

Getting Help for Healing After Infidelity

Even though it may seem as though healing after infidelity is not attainable, the use of the Gottman Method in couples therapy has proven to be a positive avenue for helping couples overcome the possibility of ending the relationship after infidelity.

If you and your spouse are experiencing the aftereffects of infidelity, contact our office at Texas Christian Counseling, Carrollton to connect with a local Christian counselor in Carrollton, Texas for direction on how to apply the Gottman Method to find healing after infidelity.