How to Leave a Toxic Romantic Relationship

Romantic relationships might very well be one of life’s greatest paradoxes; on one hand, you can be taken to the lofty and dizzying heights of love, or you may be left with a sour and bitter taste in your mouth from a toxic relationship, wondering what you ever saw in your partner in the first place. Because relationships are made up of two sinful people, they are by their very nature difficult.

People come from different backgrounds with different family dynamics, values, and beliefs which in turn shape their general worldview. What this means is that no matter how much a couple may like or love each other, differences will arise at some point even in the most solid of relationships.

Some differences may be small and insignificant while some may be big enough to rock the couple’s boat and be defined as toxic. The Oxford dictionary defines the word toxic as something which is “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.”

A toxic relationship can therefore be best understood by looking at some of the elements that typically characterize such relationships and whose common traits are psychological or physical damage to either or both parties to that relationship. Toxicity in relationships can stem from divergent factual points which makes it difficult for anyone who tries to list exhaustively all the behaviors that can be described as toxic in a relationship.

Whether or not a relationship will thrive is therefore often determined by the couple’s ability to compromise and adopt healthy conflict resolution strategies. An important question that arises then would be; if conflicts are a normal component of relationships where then, does one draw the line between healthy disagreements and a toxic relationship? Can toxic relationships be salvaged; can one simply leave a toxic relationship and is there life after leaving?

Toxic relationships are not a preserve for certain types of people, and anyone might find themselves stuck in one. Some people who might be stuck in toxic relationships might not even realize that they are, that’s why awareness is very important.

Normal relationships have their moments of disharmony but generally, parties to a healthy relationship have mutual affection, trust, respect, two-way communication, and try to be there for each other. A toxic relationship on the other hand is often laced with exactly the opposite including, lack of trust, poor and hostile communication, disrespect, and uncivil conduct.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

One way of trying to find out if you are in a toxic relationship is by asking yourself this question; “Is my relationship characterized by certain consistent and insidious behavior that is emotionally or physically damaging?”

This is a question that calls for a candid analysis of your relationship and the way your partner treats you. If you are still unsure whether you are in a toxic relationship or not, below is a list of some of the most telling characteristics of a toxic relationship:

Your partner is controlling. They want to know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing – not in an “I am interested in how your day is going” kind of way but rather, a “you have to report your every move to me kind of way.” However, they will not tolerate you questioning any of their moves.

They want to isolate you from your friends and family. They won’t let you maintain your close family ties and friendships or form any new ones and will try to make you find fault in most of the people you have known longer than them. Sometimes a toxic partner will make you feel guilty for spending time with your other loved ones by saying things like, “you always put your friends or family first.”

You are afraid of your partner. It is abnormal for you to feel that you cannot freely express your opinion or openly disagree with your partner for fear of their verbal or physical outbursts. If you consider it safer to bottle issues up rather than address them then that is a major concern.

They say hurtful and disrespectful things to you which in turn affect your self-esteem. For example, they may make derogative comments on your dress, weight, or general appearance to the extent of making you feel that no one else would ever find you attractive and you may even start considering yourself lucky that your partner is with you in the first place.

They blame you for things going wrong in the relationship, including the times when they lash out at you or become physically violent. They will make you believe that you left them with no option but to act in the manner that they did.

To leave or not to leave a toxic relationship – that is the question.

After realizing that you are in a toxic relationship, the big question will always be, now what? After having done all that you could to salvage the relationship, where to now? The reason this question is hard to answer is that leaving a toxic relationship is hard. It is difficult to try and explain to those who have never been in your position because for them it is only logical to leave and be done with it.

While there are people that have moved on effortlessly from toxic relationships, a significant number of people struggle to walk away from such relationships, and this has unfortunately resulted in some losing their lives directly or indirectly at the hands of their partners.

Why it is difficult to leave toxic relationships.

There are several reasons why people stay in toxic relationships, especially in cases of people that have been together for relatively long periods. The reasons can be social, economic, cultural, religious, and economic. The longer a person stays in a toxic relationship the more difficult it becomes to leave. We will list some of the reasons why people stay below:

Toxic relationships are emotionally damaging and draining. We often underestimate the emotional strength that is needed to walk away from toxic relationships. If one stays long enough in a toxic relationship, they may end up just losing the strength and the will to leave.

Some toxic partners can be quite calculating. Within the first few months of meeting them, they take you to the lofty heights of love. They shower you with the kind of “love” normally seen in visual media or read about in novels. When they eventually show their true colors, you refuse to accept that it’s who they truly are, and you keep holding on to the memories of when the relationship was still good and hoping that you will find your way back there again.

If you are economically dependent on your partner and have been for the longest time, you cannot imagine how you will make it without them, and they will often remind you that you are “nothing” without them and would be lost without them.

If you were raised in a toxic background where your parents, guardians, or caregivers were toxic to each other or even to you and your siblings, you tend to normalize toxic behavior since you don’t know any better. You tolerate certain behaviors and even make excuses for them.

Some religions and cultures will not tolerate divorce regardless of circumstances, which makes it difficult for women, especially, to initiate divorce proceedings. Fear of ostracization and fear of being seen as a failure, therefore, works as an impediment for married people.

Fear. It often happens that where the toxicity is of physical nature perpetrators often threaten the victims that if they leave, they will kill them. As the victim, chances are you would have seen and experienced the ugly side of the perpetrator, so you will believe them, and you are too crippled by fear to even think of safe ways of leaving.

What then?

Because of some of the reasons listed above that make leaving a toxic relationship difficult, you may think that you are doomed to stay in one especially if you are a married Christian as there are a lot of moral considerations involved. However, as difficult as it may look from where you stand, it is doable. Here are some of the strategies that can help you successfully move on:

Support system. While the first step of leaving a toxic relationship should be your will to leave, it is much better if you have a strong support system to encourage you through counsel and prayers. You don’t have to share your situation with all and everyone, but if you have one or two trusted friends their support would be priceless as you start this journey so reach out to them.

Professional help. Seek professional psychological help as this will help you rebuild your broken willpower and self-esteem. As mentioned above leaving a toxic relationship requires emotional strength so go ahead and get some help. Even if you have the support from other people, if you are not emotionally strong to walk away, you may find yourself stuck forever in a toxic relationship.

Married couples may need to get professional legal help to learn their rights and what safe protective recourse they may seek against their partner if they are physically abusive. If you are worried about whether you will get the help that is aligned with the word of God, remember that as you seek help, you can specifically look for Christian attorneys, psychologists, and counselors who will help you navigate any moral dilemmas you may be facing.

However, if you are married, you need to carefully consider whether you have biblical grounds for divorce. If there is adultery or desertion, then divorce may be an option. If not, however, then divorce is not biblically permitted, though separation for a time may be appropriate to ensure the safety of the abused.

Don’t look back. If you loved your partner or were with them for a long time, it will be difficult to move on even after you have physically left them. They will probably try to talk or threaten you into getting back with them. Resist the temptation, cut off all communication with them and avoid seeing them. It will be good for you in the long run.

Don’t seek comfort in the arms of another lover. We all love the idea of loving and being loved and you may think that jumping immediately into another relationship will help you heal. However, before getting romantically involved with another person, make sure you are emotionally healed and ready to jump back in. You do not want to create a vicious cycle of toxicity

Self-empowerment. Even if you have been financially dependent on your partner, you can make it on your own if you believe it and work toward it. What qualifications do you hold? What skills do you have? What scholarships do you qualify for? How can your friends or family help? What welfare programs can you rely on while working toward self-sufficiency?

Word of God. Finally, remember to immerse yourself in the word of God, focusing especially on His plans for you as His child. Even if you feel broken, remember God’s word which says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalms 147:3 NIV) Step out in faith and believe that God will help you pick piece after piece of yourself until you are made whole again.

Help and support for leaving a toxic relationship

Toxic relationships take a toll. Recovering from them can be very hard to do alone. In situations like these, it is always advisable to seek the advice of your pastor, or even a trained therapist or counselor to help with understanding and rebuilding your life. If you or anyone you know might need these services, contact us and we will provide the counseling you need.