Always Abide: Help and Healing for Abandonment

The effects of childhood and adolescent experiences impact our view of self and relationships with others. By default, we tend to follow the example that was provided by those who raised us. Ideal conditions would have furnished the secure attachment, acceptance, and affirmation that fosters what each human needs. Because of abandonment, this doesn’t always happen.

Parents and caregivers whose absence or intermittent presence influenced our early lives may not have been equipped to offer it. Their abandonment, which the American Psychological Association (APA) describes as “desertion or substantial leave-taking” delegated custodial responsibilities to us, their dependents. Consequently, abandonment left gaps in our history where our legitimate needs were unmet.

Though we have entered adulthood, our wounded inner child still seeks safety, protection, and provision. There is an internal void that wants to satisfy what was lacking from childhood. In an attempt to remedy history, we spend part of our adulthood, repeating a variation of the patterns absorbed in our youth.

Our lack of a healthy model for initiating and sustaining relationships left us with a deficit. Without an example based on mutual respect, love, and affection, we need support in learning how to respond to those who desire emotional intimacy and connection.

In many ways, we may still experience triggers associated with the pain of a difficult past. It shows up when we engage with spouses, partners, or other loved ones, especially when conflict arises. We may resist the authenticity and vulnerability that forms relationship bonds and not present our true selves.

When questioned or challenged, we may feel the need to aggressively defend or withdraw in passivity, either of which can inhibit connection. Perplexed, we may question if we will be abandoned again and left vulnerable. This can result in emotional unavailability or placing a demand on our loved ones for more time and attention than they can reasonably provide.

It can seem as if our lives are rewound and remote-controlled by a turbulent history. This sets us at odds with those who may have nothing to do with what we encountered in our younger years. Yet, they are affected, perplexed, and torn, wondering how to remain in a healthy relationship with us in the present.

The actions of our friends and family members may be benign and well-intentioned. Furthermore, they may be unaware of our personal history and can easily become confused by the display of our triggered unregulated emotions.

What a part of us senses is our inner child is wounded and facing the threat of abandonment as we did in the past. The adult we have become still sees through this lens and may reach with an attempt to control and manipulate to preserve our relationships. We may intend no harm, but instead of deepening our connection, our actions and attitudes widen the chasm between us and others.

We may not even realize where we may either abandon others to protect them from our behaviors or subconsciously push them away, though we want them to be close. This severs us from lasting relationships and perpetuates unhealthy patterns of abandonment.

Thankfully, we don’t have to remain imprisoned in unhealthy cycles. The same Lord who has always been present, comes to our aid, even when parents and caregivers couldn’t or didn’t fulfill the responsibilities associated with their roles (Hebrews 13:5, 8).

We don’t have to clutch the fear of being left alone, but rather embrace the faith and choose to cling to Jesus’ promise. He will never leave or abandon (Deuteronomy 31:6). His Spirit desires to demonstrate faithfulness to that Word and encourages us with the Truth that frees (John 8:32).

Next steps for finding healing for abandonment

It is no accident that the Holy Spirit directed your course to this site. Search the resources and schedule an appointment. Trust that the Wonderful Counselor who guides you into the truth will help you to select a professional to support you with your next steps (John 16:13).

You aren’t alone in this process. The Holy Spirit will help you unburden the layers of fear and heal the abandonment issues through His empowering Presence that always abides.