Types of Relationships: Teen Dynamics

If you’re a parent to a teen, you probably already know the importance of their relationships. They value friendships, sometimes even over family relationships. It’s not unusual for adolescents to spend enormous amounts of time with their peers and to value the opinions of their friends over anyone else.

Because of this hyperfocus on relationships, it’s important that you, as the loving parent you are, understand the types of relationships your child is in. It’s helpful to understand the unspoken rules and the teen dynamic of these relationships, too. Once you do, you can better determine the healthy and good relationships from the toxic and dangerous ones.

Below are some of the most common relationship dynamics your teen will face.

The Best Friend

A true best friend can be a beautiful gift from God. “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17 NIV) isn’t just a poetic verse, but a truth and a benchmark for relationships.

A “best friend” is usually an obvious relationship in any teen’s life. They are mentioned often and are someone your child fiercely defends. And this can be a wonderful thing. When your child has a best friend, they have an advocate, a companion, and someone to hang out with both in and out of school.

Unfortunately, this best friend doesn’t always align with your values. When the best friend is the only voice that matters, the balance of power shifts. If your teens start to mirror everything about the friend, like their language, values, choices, and moods, it’s time to take a critical look at the relationship. Ask your teen some tough questions about morals, values, and behavior, and reestablish your own expectations and set boundaries.

The Frenemy

A frenemy is a “friend” who gives just enough effort for connection to keep your teen engaged but doesn’t necessarily have your child’s best interest at heart. You can spot these kinds of friends when compliments are peppered in sarcasm and when competition is more prevalent than support.

Your teen might feel confused by the contradictions in the relationship. You might too. They might remain loyal to their friend, even defending their action, but it might also shrink their confidence as they are forced to compete or defend themselves.

If you suspect your teen’s friend treats the relationship more as a competition or a battlefield than a friendship, it’s time to talk with your child. Show them that true friendship comes from love. And love shouldn’t leave them anxious or defensive.

The Opposite Gender Bestie

This relationship often starts harmless and platonic. It feels uncomplicated and even exciting, especially compared to the emotional intensity that comes along with dating. Your teen may feel understood by this person in a new and satisfying way.

This is because platonic friends of the opposite gender have a unique perspective on your life that a romantic partner or same sex friend just doesn’t see. Being in an opposite gender friendship can be as comfortable as it is exciting because there is no pressure to label anything, and you get all the benefits of dating without commitment to exclusivity.

These types of relationships are healthy, but they do require some strategy and planning. Emotional closeness without boundaries has a way of slowly shifting. Feelings can develop without a lot of obvious signs. Because the relationship already has emotional intimacy, the romantic bonds can hide behind it and habitual physical closeness.

To keep the dynamic healthy, encourage your teen to keep these friendships in group settings and maintain open conversations with you about where the friendship ends and where feelings begin.

The Habit

Some friendships exist more out of habit than deliberate choice. There’s something special about a relationship with longevity and history, but it’s also possible to outgrow a friendship. Maybe your child had a best friend in elementary school. Though the friendship is familiar, it no longer serves your child, and habit alone isn’t a solid foundation for any relationship.

Teens sometimes stay in relationships long after they’ve outgrown them because change can feel disloyal and off-putting. They might feel an obligation to remain connected even when the relationship no longer encourages growth or lacks other fundamental relationship elements.

As Ecclesiastes tells us, there’s a season for everything. That includes relationships. It’s important to help your teen understand that healthy relationships evolve naturally. Sometimes they grow and deepen, and other times, they fade away.

They may want to pull away from a friendship that doesn’t serve them, or they may have a friend pull away after years of friendship. In either case, they need to understand that this is a natural progression and not necessarily due to a relational misstep.

The Mission

Some teen relationships happen out of a desire to help the other person. Maybe your child sees another child who is sitting alone at lunch or who gets bullied on the bus. And they want to reach out to that child, encourage them, and be their advocate. These are relationships that originate in service and purpose and can be something you’re proud of as a parent. After all, God does call us to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2 NIV).

While a relationship like this teaches empathy, compassion, humility, and patience, it can also have its challenges. Your teen might sacrifice their own needs or be negatively influenced by the one they are trying to help.

You don’t want to discourage them from helping others, but they need to balance their compassion with self-preservation. To properly serve others, your teen must not act out of guilt or obligation or even a desire for recognition, but with true godly intent.

The Hero

Every teen has someone they look up to. And a lot of times that person is in their friend circle. This person might hold characteristics that your child wishes they possessed. Maybe they are in a leadership role, appear mature or capable, or are successful in their social life.

Admiration itself can be good because it can inspire growth, motivation, and help your teen to set their own goals. But there is a fine line between inspiration and idolization. When admiration turns into idolatry, the relationship can turn from inspiring to toxic and sinful.

Remind your teen that no human should ever be their moral compass. Only God deserves that pedestal. Heroes can teach and inspire, but they cannot give your teen an identity or build their worth because that is found in Christ alone.

The Convenient

Some relationships are simply convenient. Maybe your child has a friend who is in the same classroom or bus route or enjoys the same type of after-school activity. These types of relationships are comfortable, low-maintenance, and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, these easy relationships are the gateway to more meaningful friendships.

The challenge comes when convenience supersedes your child’s discernment. Teens might stay in these easy relationships because it’s easier than thinking through their social choices or because getting out of them might feel awkward.

Help your teen reflect on these relationships. Is this convenient relationship one that they’d keep even if it became inconvenient? If it’s not, it’s important not to let them get too invested, but to enjoy the relationship for what it is, with no expectations. Is this relationship healthy for their spiritual life? If not, they need to prioritize their own growth rather than what is easy.

Teen Therapy

Sometimes teens need a safe space that isn’t home, and they need a listening ear that isn’t yours. They need someone who is trained to actively listen without judgment and who is trained to help them understand their own emotions, relationship dynamics, and the impact on their lives.

Therapy can help your teen learn more about their relationships and how to handle conflict, set boundaries, and recognize the signs that indicate a relationship isn’t serving their best interests.

Therapy isn’t just for your teens. Even rock star parents can feel overwhelmed during the tumultuous teen years. You’re dealing with emotional and hormonal shifts, new social pressures, identity questions, and spiritual growth, all in an intense seven-year period.

If your teen is struggling in their relationships, or you feel unequipped to handle their complex teen years, schedule a session with one of the counselors in our association. These professionals will walk beside you and your teen through all the confusing, stressful, and successful moments that make up the complicated and beautiful time called adolescence.