The Power of The Tongue – Hurtful Words and Relationship Problems

There is no shortage of wisdom out there in the ether about measuring our words because they are powerful. For instance, we read these words in the book of Proverbs: “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4, NIV). Your words can serve as inspiration or encouragement for someone, but they can also destroy a person’s reputation or crush their resolve.

Our words are powerful, and how we wield them makes a huge difference in our lives and in the lives of others around us. Recognizing that power and knowing how to use it responsibly and with love can transform your relationships and well-being in profound ways. It can even help you avoid relationship problems.

Hurtful Words and Relationship Problems

One reason why relationships break down is because of words that are spoken carelessly, without compassion, or with the intention to cause harm. Our words are a window into our thoughts, intentions, and attitudes toward things, which makes our words a valuable commodity. When you speak, you’re sharing a piece of yourself with the other person, and what you share as well as how you share it can affect them significantly.

You can, without intending it, offend someone deeply. What you say to them (or about them) can convey that you don’t care about them. Even though you meant no offense, you weren’t cognizant of how your words would affect the other person. When you indicate that you don’t care about the other person, that can break trust, stir up anger, or inspire sadness. This can be worse and cause relationship problems if you do it intentionally.

We do live in curious times, but it needs to be said that not every hurtful or offensive thing you say is necessarily harmful. There’s another proverb which says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6, NIV). A good friend can say something that hurts you, but the heart behind it is to bless you. Feeling hurt by something that another person says isn’t the final metric for whether it was truly hurtful or wrong.

This doesn’t mean that it’s a free-for-all when it comes to how we use our words. Some may decide that they can say what they want, however they want to say it, and it doesn’t matter because it’s the truth. However, even if you need to deliver a painful truth, how you do it matters immensely. If someone gets offended, the offense shouldn’t be because you were being boorish. The apostle Paul wrote these words to believers:

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone – Colossians 4:5-6, NIV

One must speak graciously toward others, always with the intention to build them up and encourage them, and not to tear them down (Ephesians 4:29).

Hurtful words are often at the root of relationship problems. Whether uttered intentionally or not, such words can communicate a lack of care, resulting in broken trust, hurt feelings, and a loss of intimacy and vulnerability in the relationship.

Knowing The Power of the Tongue

Your words can have a huge effect on others. With your words, you can help soothe tempers, or you can cause conflict to flare up (Proverbs 15:1). You can encourage others, remind them that they are loved, and spur them on toward the fullness of their identity and purpose in Christ. Your words can remind them of the beauty and strength they possess, or they can instead denigrate them.

The reality of verbal abuse and how it can affect others ought to tell us how powerful words are. Verbal abuse is when a person uses their words to threaten, manipulate, control, dismiss, and otherwise diminish another person and their sense of self-worth. When a person is verbally abused, it can lead to low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, strained relationships, and even physical issues like stomach problems and headaches.

How to Handle Your Tongue to Avoid Relationship Problems

Scripture speaks in many places about the need to guard ourselves and the words we speak. As James put it powerfully in his letter, “…the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell” (James 3:5-6, NIV).

We don’t set fires anywhere and everywhere. We know how dangerous fire is, so we set safeguards around it and how we use it. In the same way, we ought to be circumspect about how we use our words. Before speaking, consider whether what you’re about to say needs saying, whether it needs saying now, whether it needs to be said by you, and how best to say it truthfully and with compassion.

Setting such safeguards can help prevent you from leaping without thinking, and it can help you make the most of your words. Hurtful words can cause relationship problems. If you’re in a situation where relationships have been negatively affected by your words, consider reaching out to a counselor. Your counselor will help you unpack things, walk with you in discerning the impact of your words, and how best to communicate effectively with others.